I have recently come to realize that I have a huge roadblock sitting right smack dab in the middle of my spiritual path. This epiphany came to me as I talked to my High Priest about how I was progressing toward restarting my initiation process.
Let me give a bit of back story.
I came to paganism relatively late in my life. I wasn't raised with it. I can't quite remember when I began exploring this path. I do know that it was first in a book then an online school and finally with the coven I currently belong to. I progressed nicely and soon dedicated with the coven. The next step was to initiate. I thought I was ready, I was not.
Image found here.
During one of my infrequent meditations I was visited by my patron Goddess Hecate and my patron God Herne. It was explained to me that I was not ready to undertake such an important task as initiation and that I needed to do much more before I was. I was quite taken aback by such a overt communication but I was also grateful that my patrons came to me. After the meditation I immediately drafted a letter to my High Priest and High Priestess requesting the my initiation be put on hiatus.
So now I come to the roadblock. I don't do for me. I am always doing for others. I get up around 5:00am and immediately start doing for others. I clean the kitchen, loading the washer and wiping down the counters. I get my partner up and off to work. I get on this computer and start checking mail and start working on our two stores. I also fit laundry in there somewhere too. I also seem to be picking up after our roommate. Oh and lest us not forget the yard work that needs to be done now that spring is here and summer just weeks away. So I don't do for me.
Why? I am worried that if I don't do all these other things that they won't get done, or done right. I am afraid to let got for even a short time. I feel guilty if I take time for myself. I would love to be able to just go into my ritual room, cast circle, and sit in the quiet and meditate. So why don't I just do it? I am doing it now.
I have expressed my feeling to my partner and we have agreed that I just need to take the time I need and not worry about what needs to be done. Easier said then done.
So I am here looking at this massive roadblock and wondering how I am to remove it or go around it. I think I should remove it so that I don't encounter it again further down the path.
I ask my patrons for guidance and patience as I find my way again.